Wednesday, November 30, 2016

When Light Tells you to Focus on Shadow {Anyone want two kids?!?}

I've always been into self improvement.  Its something that I've always felt compelled to do. Between being clinically depressed at a young age, a cutter and self hater for most of my life and being very interested in biology and neuroscience, history, psych and sociology, well I see myself as one big experiment.

The experiment being one of improvement and pushing my own boundaries.  About seeing what I'm capable of and finding new limits.  This is something that I think I've been doing my entire life without putting a name to it.

*****(two hours later)*****

That was very serendipitous.  I was prepared to write up a post about self love, authenticity, and empowerment and then I got corrected by the universe.

I had to put my laptop away because kids. My daughter talks a ton and my son is very stubborn. She thinks she is the mom and he has very little regard for personal property.  They are wonderful amazing humans.  But they are 3 and 5.  My core being is that of a need for quiet and efficiency. They are neither of these things.  The biggest experiment of my life has been children and it's made me the best and the worst person I know.

I'm working on my rage.  

This entire Lightworker, Reiki, Meditation journey comes from the need to be able to parent this humans effectively. In looking for something to chill me out I happened across my soul's purpose. Which is awesome and a little wtf.  I'm trying to SIMPLIFY and now I've realized that I've been working towards this for a least 20 years. But that's another post.

This is all Shadowwork.  When you work on the dark parts to try to make them more Light.  I try to deal only in Light but sometimes I'm nothing but Shadow.

We live in a society of expectations.  We have them and people have them for us.  There are needs and wants and we mix them up and tear them apart.  And we make expectations for little people that they completely don't understand.  While I don't think its necessary to wear dress shoes, ramble about queens and princesses, (two things that I hate the idea of because patriarchy) and then take an entire hour to eat an egg and a half piece of toast.  It's infuriating. I seethe. I love her spirit.

The only goal I have most days is to make them good people and to not go completely insane in the process.  It's really really fucking hard to be a stay home parent.  It's really really fucking hard to be a working parent.  See what I'm saying here.  It's hard to be a parent.  Even a highly functional one.

W.  Sweetest terror ever. 
The best thing I can do is be proactive.  To know that I'm going to become frustrated and know that when I do, I yell.
So how can I be proactive?

1. The gym.  Get that rage out, pump it.

2. Mediate.  Calm and breathe, repeat forever. 

3. Self talk.  I can't tell you how often I say, be nice, Teresa.  She just wants to be near you.  She doesn't have the same rules you do.  Walk away. The kitchen doesn't need to be tip top all the time.  It will not kill you to repeat yourself.

V.  The tiniest CEO I'm ever met. 
4. Apologize.  When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. And coincidentally so does she.  As I'm typing she came up to me hugged me an apologized for talking so long to complete a task.  And I apologized for becoming so upset about something that isn't really important.

5. When it happens move on.  I yelled. Recover. Fix the vibes.  Don't dwell on the loss and figure out how to salvage the day.

6. Be Present.  This only happens when they are competing for my attention.  When I have an idea it nags at me.  The way this original post was nagging at me. I pulled put my laptop and it was all downhill.  I should have known.  I kinda did know. 

I say all this to say that, no one is perfect.

It's about how you prepare yourself for situations, then how you recover
from when it doesn't go as planned.

They are watching us.  I tell them all day that its not about the outcome its about how hard you try. I'm not sure I could try harder.  And they are watching.

This is them RIGHT NOW.  On their computers.  Just like me.

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